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POSTCARDS FROM SOUTH AFRICA

Ned Kelly Rides Again

Not yet in South Africa but I will be

G'day

I'm not yet in South Africa, but I will be soon. Probably.

But I am back. Bushranger and all round great bloke. Terror to the rich and corrupt. Still a bit of a folk hero too I see, except to that stupid polly who recently blabbered on about people standing up to authority as being un-Australian. Un-Australian my foot. Anway, there I was dangling from a gibbet in Melbourne and next thing I knew I was here - in what a couple of me modern world mates call cyberspace. Bit spooky in here - like being in me armour except yer feet don't go rusty when you have a slash.

Anyway, just to keep me from going stark raving bonkers with boredom, me modern day mates have been showing me some pickies of what you all call "indoor cricket". Strange game. As I see it you hit the ball to one bloke, who throws it to another bloke, and then everybody runs around like larrikins slapping hands. Mind you I've only watched England bat so far so maybe things will change. And you've got sheilas playing as well !!! I never thought girls played with each other (never did in my day) but I'm told they all do now. Every stockade's got a team I'm told. Great stuff girls.

Sticking with the ladies I've been picking up some bush telegraph over this World Cup thingy that's coming up. Scurrilous tongue-waggers (probably bloody Squatters' sons) are claiming that the girlies coach (bloke called Zeller) has resigned because he was unhappy about the makeup of the team. Now, I don't know why what makeup the girlies wear is a problem. However, the bush telegraph says it is a very important thing for a coach of one of these teams to have a say in the team's makeup, and Mister Zeller was well justified in spitting the dummy or lipstick or whatever it is a girlies coach spits. Buggered if I know what it's all about, but let me tell ya, this is Australia, not some colonial, ex-convict settlement. And Australia is a democratic country, especially while all the pollies are busy watching the 'Lympics. So any sort of shenanigans to do with the girlie team's makeup really is un-Australian. Now in my day if someone in the gang had done that, me or me brother Dan would have just shot him. I'm told that you've got laws against that sort of thing now and anyway, apparently only silver bullets or garlic would work on the blokes and sheila at the bosses place in question. I tell ya I'm better off in here.

Anyway, young Zeller has been replaced by some guy called Collins. Phil Collins I think. Could be the genesis of a new era for the Aussie girl's team. Apparently Phil is some sort of head-slapping singer. Be good for the playing of the National Anthem I guess. And watch out for the drum solo in the middle of the Aussie sheilas games - I'm told it's part of old Phil Collins' coaching style and is bloody fantastic. Confuses the buggery out of everyone, including his own players.

I did some looking up regarding this bloke Zeller. I tell ya he's some talented bounder. I mean, I understand that you can get around quicker nowadays than when me and me boys were terrorising the local coppers and troopers up around Benalla, but I swear I saw him the other day playing in the US Masters. Then he's back in Aus next day coaching the girls!! Remarkable. Funny name though, Fuzzy. I reckon his oldies had had a bit of the nectar of the Gods at the christening and couldn't make out if the baby was a boy or girl - just a sort of fuzzy lump. Anyhow, seems like a good, well respected bloke, so if your listening fella I'll get me gun ready if you want some support well, I would have if I believed the story, which I don't, so I won't. Well, I might .. bugger it, I will.

Anyway here's what I reckon on the teams - in the probable order they should finish in this World Cup thing .... but don't be surprised if between them, the New Zealanders and South Africans give the Aussies a bloody good fright. Give us a drum roll Phil .....

Australia
Should win it if they turn up on time. Watch out for the drum solo as Phil Collins takes charge of the girls. Men could be at a bit of a disadvantage as Dave the Coach recently broke an arm falling off his zimmer frame, and at his age healing takes a lot longer. Word is any strong breeze could scatter him all over SA. Of course, if Big Merv Otto does his party trick, last shown when playing for Caboolture in this year's Super-League grand final, Dave will have somewhere to park his Zimmer frame . or his bike ... or Phil his drumsticks for that matter. And like me, Merv has a younger brother by his side - seems the young whippet has been playing indoor cricket since he was 3 months old. Bloody heck, they're keen up in Queensland.
And look at that. A bloke called Hart in the Aussie team. Nearly startled me to death when I saw that, until I remembed I already am dead. One of me old Kelly Gang members was a bloke called Steve Hart, and I thought for a minute it was him. But that's silly - like me, Steve never really got the hang of cricket ....

New Zealand
Could be contenders if they can get import certificates from their nearest and dearest (apparently there is a problem as they have to be sheared before being let into the country). Passed an eye over the Kiwi lads and lasses . bloody hell, you'd think some of the blokes could pitch in and buy a comb (wide toothed of course) between them. Other than those obviously already shorn, I haven't seen a scruffier mob for many a blue moon (relax young Otto, not talking about you).

South Africa
Home country so who knows? Got some guy named Van North playing - sounds like a postal district to me. Anyway can't be too bright - silly bugger can't even put his hat on the right way round. Tim was a bit of a hit in Perth a couple of years ago though . when he and his gang had a very lucky win over a bunch of old blokes representing the Western Australian Veterans side. Veterans . aren't they the real old blokes? Still, Tim and his African mates experienced the best umpire of the whole tour in Perth . or so I'm told.
Even with mortals umpiring at the World Cup thing, the South Africans are a chance to extend every team present - and every coach.

England
Led by an Australian - says it all. Sponsored by a mob of Corgis or something no, hang on .. Bulldogs !!! That's it !!! Hmmmmm young and keen dog-lovers should be treated with care - let ya guard down and they're just as likely to turn around and bite ya on the bum.

India and Pakistan
Well, I'm told it's great these blokes are joining in the fun, but I think they've got about the same chance as I had once I had uttered me famous "such is life" line ... or did I say "it's finally come to this"? ... buggered if I can remember now. No matter. Back to India and Pakistan ... I'm told they might have a few surprises in store by way of their legs? Kegs? Leggies? Something like that. I'm also told it might be very interesting to watch. So I will. And I'll let ya all know how their legs go.

Well that's me lot for the time being. Drop me a line - the blokes at Indoor Cricket World have got me details. Oh, and if a certain Aussie umpire is listening who ain't heading for the Jewel Of Africa, no worries mate. If fragile Dave breaks any more bones you could be coaching the men. You easily meet the new selection criteria for Aussie coach

..... or so I'm told.

See ya soon

Ned.



We'd like point out the bleeding obvious here - Ned's comments are his own. Indoor Cricket World doesn't determine what he says, we just publish it (and usually have a good laugh at the same time). If you want to respond to Ned, by all means do so, and we'll publish your comments too. Especially if they're funny and in the same spirit, and the writer doesn't take him/herself too seriously. But be warned - responding to Ned just might elicit a direct response from him.

If you don't have a sense of humour, a covering of very thick skin, and a keen eye for tongues in cheeks, you might be better off just standing back and watching the fun. But if you're still game, send your responses in here and we'll make sure Ned gets them - Ned can't wait, and, always on the look-out for a good laugh, neither can we .......

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